Thursday, March 10, 2011

My Retirement- Where'd it go

Wiff  of spring and doing OK.

My mind and what happened to it.
Photo: Lateral view of human brain
Looking back at it, I first started feeling signs of senility creep in when I gave birth.  Those four little beings sucked the brain waves right out of me.  It was subtle at first but when they became teenagers, it accelerated.  I knew I was a-gonner when the first one reached 12 and their one eyebrow lifted every time I spoke.  To them, having to put up with a parent was such a chore.  Poor souls, they had to deal with me, like it or not.  My oldest child was 11 when the youngest was born so it was a long haul getting through them all.  Mind you, they were good kids, all of whom I am very proud, but raising children is not an easy task. Sometimes I look back at it and am amazed at how much patience I had (at least in my memories), and wonder how I was capable of doing it all.  I now have the joy of grandchildren and yes, they are so much easier and have no faults. All those years though of bouncing so many balls in the air, including family, jobs attending college, and  trying to get everything done and be perfect at it (again in my eyes)  took a toll.  I think I lost about 25% of my brain cells during that part of my life.  So at around age 50 when two were out of college and on their own and I was rounding the bend with the other two, I took a breath and tried to regroup (my midlife crisis). I can tell you there is no regrouping in motherhood, it is a lifelong journey where guilt and fear for their safety never ends.  They did not ask for this, I just took it upon myself to be a forever worry-wort when it comes to my brood. Take another 10% off of my brain cells for this.  If you are counting, you will see I am only 65% "with it".

I have come to the point of my life where I spend quite a bit of my time looking for things that I know I just saw or had.   Some thoughts and words just pop like bubbles from my mind.  Where did they go; I know they are still there as the memory comes back to me some time later, but they are not there when I want them to be.  My friends and I compare notes and laugh about our senior moments.  It is a sisterhood of the brain cell deprived.  I wish there was something that we could do or eat to rejuvenate our minds, but so far there is only laughter and that gives us comfort. 

The other day I was sitting in my office which is a front room of my home.  I was looking out the window and suddenly a thought came upon me that I wanted to share with hubby and my daughter who was visiting. I got up, walked 2 rooms away into the family room  and announced to them " I am so glad that...., oh gosh, thought gone.  They stared at me while my mouth hung open with no more words coming.  Something popped again. The positive part is that I was glad about something, and that is a good thing.  I did remember the next day and it had to do with my front garden, but it did not redeem me in hubby's or daughter's eyes.  However, I was relieved it popped back in and what the heck, it was not important anyway.  That's my version and I am sticking with it. 

Small thoughts matter not!


  1. I know I know I's like my brain is an attic filled with dust covered boxes tied with twine...I search and I search and when I finally find the box with the information in it I need there is such rejoicing....and then the next day I have forgotten it again. It all started with the mum dums and got worse when my daughter became a teenager and even worse in her young adult hood with all the craziness that goes with that. I blame it 100% on motherhood. I do!!!!

  2. I can't use "kids" for the excuse of forgetting everything....I don't have any and it still happens....mind is gone....don't know when it left or where it went but somedays I am amazed I remember how to get back home....I hate it...if you leave a room with a "thought" and forget....go back to that first place "FAST" and that thought may still be lingering around...have a great day!!!!!

  3. Hey Sis,

    I just wanted to congratulate you on your blog. It’s really great – funny, warm, and wise. Your heart and world view come through it so well that reading it is almost like having a visit. OK, maybe not exactly, but a good semblance nonetheless.

    I hope you’re able to keep it up for a good long while. That’s likely to get tougher as time goes on – Life keeps interfering with distractions and demands that make it hard to find at the same moment the time and energy to sit down and compose coherent (much less interesting) prose. Stick to it, though – your fan base is counting on you. After all, you’re the voice of those us of who . . . er, er, . . . what was I saying?


  4. What amazes me is how much we do remember, given the enormous filing system of information that we collect over the years. The number of times in recent years that I've walked into a room for something, only to forget what it was I was wanting, but sure in the knowledge that as soon as I left the room again I would remember whatever it was!