Wednesday, September 28, 2011

God Save the Queen

Reading E-mail and doing OK
Ha, ha, ha.
My, what white teeth you have: Kumi the gorilla has a fit of giggles in this image taken at the Bronx Zoo in New YorkI have found  that one of the things that retirees do is to send jokes or frightening, but usually erroneous information, via e-mail to their fellow retirees.  At the end, it will say to pass it on to 10 friends or any warm body with an e-mail address.  They warn you that if you don't send it out in 30 minutes, a pox will fall upon your house for ever and ever.   All a senior citizen needs is another jink on them.  I must receive at least five of these a day and may read three (Yes, Chris, I read all of yours) but I seldom pass it on, no matter the threat.  However, today I received something that I thought was a belly laugh and instead of sending it on, I am going to put it in my blog.  This is so much easier than thinking. 

The queen has sent an e-mail.....
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

One thing Americans have is a good sense of humor and they can't off-shore that.


  1. Love it! (and I am not British) I do love college football; and, I think I would like to keep the price of "petro" under $10.00 a gallon. Bonnie

  2. Hello Arleen:
    BAD LUCK!!! We have moved to a Republic to escape the Royal Family.

    This is such fun but we really do not think that America is in any need of assistance from Great Britain, quite the opposite.

    God bless America!!

  3. Sounds like Canada to me. God Save The Queen.

  4. We would always consider taking you on as the 11th province, or 4th territory, if Her Majesty gets too uppity with her demands - after all we would still allow you drive on the right hand side of the road. You can have both high tea, dinner (or supper if you prefer) and a bedtime snack too if you so wish.

  5. Too funny! I am with her on the beer, chips and would love tea at 4pm every day. Hmm...maybe I will just implement in the TnT (Tracy & Terry) household. :-)

  6. This is great! I always wanted to be British!

  7. So funny! I think this is great, especially the beer (my favourite is British bitter) and chips (I love cider vinegar with my french fries). I wonder if it would work for you guys?

  8. To all: I don't think America is ready to put the "u" in words. We like the shorter version.
    We tried metric, nobody liked it.
    Replacing football with soccer is a no,no. The only ones who go to soccer games are those that once played the game.

    We do like their chips though and according to my children, their beer is pretty good also.

  9. Bring on the 'Beer'! I must forward this site to my British son-in-law and my almost-British daughter. this is great.

  10. Hello my friend--
    Well I must admit- this is funny!!

    Hope you are enjoying this glorious fall--

  11. LOL, this is great! And I'm craving some crisps right now :)

  12. Thank you for your comment - I do hope your winter isn't too bad. The weather everywhere seems topsy turvy at present.

    We have a wonderful day here today after all. I decided to stay home and catch up on washing etc. in case we go back to the forecast storms tomorrow.

    I am enjoying my respite though and just hope that M. settles into Rest Home life.

    Thank you again.

  13. Oh my gosh, this was hysterical! Especially the back dated taxes!

    I wonder if the dear Queen will save us from ourselves!